Loneliness adhd and mental health

They say that if you can’t talk, write

They say that if you can’t talk, then write but what if feel like no one is really listening regardless of whether it’s written or said. I’ve got so much that I want to say but can’t write it so it makes sense to me or you. I don’t need someone to fix me orContinue reading “They say that if you can’t talk, write”

146. Trying not to let the anxiety win.

It’s finally Friday and I’m exhausted. It’s been a full on few days and I’m not sure if I’m tired from being back at school after the summer break or from battling my mind this week. The conversations and whirlpool that are consuming my head at the moment are pulling me in many different directions.Continue reading “146. Trying not to let the anxiety win.”

145. I really shouldn’t write at night.

Last night I did one of those ‘blogging while not really conscious’ things again. Re-reading it this morning, I was just grateful that I did post it too. The post was called, I don’t think I’ll ever truly let anyone in ever again. It was about 11pm, I’d just gone to bed, I had putContinue reading “145. I really shouldn’t write at night.”

144. The hardest year.

This last year has been the hardest ever to get through and considering what I’ve been through over the last decade or so, that’s a strong opening line. Thanks to those around me, I have finally realised how truly lonely I actually am. I’ve felt let down by those who didn’t help. Enough said.

141. Grief

They say that grief gets easier over time, I don’t know if that’s true but for me, it’s still as raw as day 1. For me, my grief journey had been really messy (and definitely didn’t follow the 5 stages I’d been promised). I’m not the person I was a few years ago, I waste moneyContinue reading “141. Grief”

140. Pffffff!!!

Home again to finally and thankfully take off the mask for the weekend. It’s been a stressful week but it’s over and I’m home, behind my safe doors and it’s finally time to be me. This week has been full of ups and downs but at least the hardest week of May is over nowContinue reading “140. Pffffff!!!”

139. The worse part of depression is the loneliness.

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted a blog publicly. It’s been a tough few weeks and some days have been really tough to get through. But I got through them and that’s all that matters. The last few months have taught me many things but most importantly, that things need to change.Continue reading “139. The worse part of depression is the loneliness.”

138. Another year older.

I write this on the eve of my 45th birthday and birthday #2 in lockdown. Birthdays are always hard for me, in fact I dread them. Another year older and another year of feeling so alone. It’s also another year of me having not fulfilled my dreams. I wonder how long it will take meContinue reading “138. Another year older.”

137. I may look ok but looks can be deceiving.

I may look ok, maybe you think I am getting better but I’m far from better. I’m exhausted, not going to lie. I’m exhausted from trying to be the person everyone wants me to be but it’s not the person I actually am. Recently I’ve been keeping ALOT in, not because I don’t have earsContinue reading “137. I may look ok but looks can be deceiving.”

135. It really shouldn’t be this hard.

I currently feel like a swan on a fast flowing river heading towards really strong rapids. I’m paddling so hard under the water whilst trying to remain composed on top, but I can feel myself floating quickly towards the rapids and not knowing if I will sink or swim. It really shouldn’t be this hardContinue reading “135. It really shouldn’t be this hard.”

134. I hate school holidays!

I hate half term holidays but equally desperately need them. I just about got through the last term but the energy needed to make it through the last week especially has left me extra exhausted this week. Today therefore I’ve decided to stay in bed all day and let the heavy feeling win. My headContinue reading “134. I hate school holidays!”

Protected: 133. Always feeling let down by others.

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132. The dark clouds are returning.

I would say over the last two weeks the sinking feeling feels harder to escape. I can feel the clouds looming ever closer, and I don’t know how to escape them. I’ve never felt the way I do at present before and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I’ve never feltContinue reading “132. The dark clouds are returning.”

131. Will I ever be good enough?

Another week done and it’s not even 6pm as I write this and I’d love nothing more than to go to bed already. Put the week behind me properly. This week was full of a few ups and many downs. Therapy was full on and left me feeling emotionally broken this week. I have soContinue reading “131. Will I ever be good enough?”

130. The pain of depression and trying to be strong.

It’s absolutely exhausting suffering from depression. Fighting against the overwhelming sadness that I have is exhausting. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I want to get better and that involves not being strong all the time. I’m just tired of feeling tired. Depression makes my mind overthink ALL the time so it is exhaustingContinue reading “130. The pain of depression and trying to be strong.”

129. I’ve given up asking for the help I need.

I’ve reached the point of giving up on asking for help as it’s never given even when I do. People are never there when I need them so I’ve stopped looking and asking. Is it a burden thing, god only knows what people think of me when they see me or when I contact them.Continue reading “129. I’ve given up asking for the help I need.”

Protected: 128. Week 1 and I’m tired and feeling more lonely.

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127. Things I’d like you to know – Please read.

There are loads of things that I’d like you to know about having a mental health condition, especially depression. January is always one of the hardest months for me to get through and this year I feel 100 times worse than normal. Battling my mind every day is exhausting at the best of times, atContinue reading “127. Things I’d like you to know – Please read.”

126. Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad.

The 30th of December to me most years was just another excuse to buy my dad a jigsaw or another bottle of whiskey but it’s now been 4 birthdays where I’ve missed buying such important gifts. It’s strange to miss someone so much yet not feel sad about them being gone at the same time.Continue reading “126. Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad.”

125. The worse thing about depression.

Depression — one of the darkest places I have ever been in. It is hard to describe how it feels, but one way is that it feels like a dark cloud comes to settle over you. it often feels like a storm raging inside my head. The darkness is deep as I search for theContinue reading “125. The worse thing about depression.”

124. When numbness feels worse than sadness.

Feeling numb to everything feels worse than it does to feel sad. At least with sadness, there’s hope. With numbness there’s nothing, good or bad. It feels like I’m living in limbo, not going anywhere, not feeling anything and not wanting to go on. The numbness can’t be explained to others so there’s no pointContinue reading “124. When numbness feels worse than sadness.”

123. I’ve been only existing for too long to remember.

The last few weeks have been really tough but they’ve taught me many things about myself and my life. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to look forward to anything and I’m just trying to get through each day. I’m living my life In limbo awaiting to crash, for it all to hit me. When allContinue reading “123. I’ve been only existing for too long to remember.”

122. That ship has sailed and is about to sink.

I know I’ve said it before but I know the ship is about to sink. What ship you ask? A wise colleague once said, well last week maybe, that hopefully doing half days until the end of term might keep me sane. I explained that that ship has definitely sailed and most probably lost atContinue reading “122. That ship has sailed and is about to sink.”

121. I only wish the nightmares would stop.

I’ve recently been prescribed a new AD which also helps me sleep. Without doubt, they are amazing at doing that. On the weekends I’m getting about 11 hours which earlier on in the year would take me sometimes 3 days to rack up. Yes they leave me feeling a bit drowsy in the mornings butContinue reading “121. I only wish the nightmares would stop.”

120. When a phone call leaves you in pain

Another shitty milestone ticked off this week, trying to explain my whole life in less than 5 minutes to a complete stranger over the phone in a bid to get some more help for me personally and at work, where I currently feel so out of place that it’s gone from being my happy placeContinue reading “120. When a phone call leaves you in pain”

119. Next week….

Next week I tackle another obstacle, I have an occupational health appointment on Tuesday. I have no idea what it’s going to involve or what they can do to help if they can help. I’m already overthinking it and what will happen. My head doesn’t think it can get through next week before it’s evenContinue reading “119. Next week….”

Protected: 118. In many ways I’ve had enough.

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Protected: 117. Empty, lonely, numb and worthless.

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Protected: 116………….

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115. Loneliness hurts like hell.

Feeling so alone is such a hard place to be. Feeling like no one understands or even wants to start to understand the turmoil inside my head. Feeling broken in a way that can’t be described to others. Desperately needing to get better and to find the help I need but not knowing where thatContinue reading “115. Loneliness hurts like hell.”