132. The dark clouds are returning.

I would say over the last two weeks the sinking feeling feels harder to escape. I can feel the clouds looming ever closer, and I don’t know how to escape them.

I’ve never felt the way I do at present before and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I’ve never felt so out of place in a place that I love than I do right now. Am I being too fussy or selfish to want to be happy again? I sit at my desk, looking at the lovely pictures my class have drawn me and I just feel so empty. I know the country is in the middle of a major pandemic but my heart is just longing to have a proper conversation with any of my friends and to just feel like I’m worthy of being me.

I feel like I’m fighting this battle that no one understands or wants to help me win. I long to have the courage to ask for the assistance that I need and to actually receive it.

I feel like I’m always the one doing the chasing and if I don’t, then I’m brushed aside even more. That has become apparent quite clearly these last two weeks. I’m so easy to ignore. I’m just the needy one who’s a burden to those around her. I feel invisible, I feel worthless, I feel empty, I feel numb and numb is somehow worse.