Category Archives: Uncategorized

This last year has been the hardest ever to get through and considering what I’ve been through over the last decade or so, that’s a strong opening line. Thanks to those around me, I have finally realised how truly lonely I actually am. I’ve felt let down by those who didn’t help. Enough said.

Home again to finally and thankfully take off the mask for the weekend. It’s been a stressful week but it’s over and I’m home, behind my safe doors and it’s finally time to be me. This week has been full of ups and downs but at least the hardest week of May is over nowContinue reading “140. Pffffff!!!”

I write this on the eve of my 45th birthday and birthday #2 in lockdown. Birthdays are always hard for me, in fact I dread them. Another year older and another year of feeling so alone. It’s also another year of me having not fulfilled my dreams. I wonder how long it will take meContinue reading “138. Another year older.”

I may look ok, maybe you think I am getting better but I’m far from better. I’m exhausted, not going to lie. I’m exhausted from trying to be the person everyone wants me to be but it’s not the person I actually am. Recently I’ve been keeping ALOT in, not because I don’t have earsContinue reading “137. I may look ok but looks can be deceiving.”

I hate half term holidays but equally desperately need them. I just about got through the last term but the energy needed to make it through the last week especially has left me extra exhausted this week. Today therefore I’ve decided to stay in bed all day and let the heavy feeling win. My headContinue reading “134. I hate school holidays!”

I would say over the last two weeks the sinking feeling feels harder to escape. I can feel the clouds looming ever closer, and I don’t know how to escape them. I’ve never felt the way I do at present before and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I’ve never feltContinue reading “132. The dark clouds are returning.”

Another week done and it’s not even 6pm as I write this and I’d love nothing more than to go to bed already. Put the week behind me properly. This week was full of a few ups and many downs. Therapy was full on and left me feeling emotionally broken this week. I have soContinue reading “131. Will I ever be good enough?”

I’ve reached the point of giving up on asking for help as it’s never given even when I do. People are never there when I need them so I’ve stopped looking and asking. Is it a burden thing, god only knows what people think of me when they see me or when I contact them.Continue reading “129. I’ve given up asking for the help I need.”

The 30th of December to me most years was just another excuse to buy my dad a jigsaw or another bottle of whiskey but it’s now been 4 birthdays where I’ve missed buying such important gifts. It’s strange to miss someone so much yet not feel sad about them being gone at the same time.Continue reading “126. Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad.”

The last few weeks have been really tough but they’ve taught me many things about myself and my life. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to look forward to anything and I’m just trying to get through each day. I’m living my life In limbo awaiting to crash, for it all to hit me. When allContinue reading “123. I’ve been only existing for too long to remember.”

I know I’ve said it before but I know the ship is about to sink. What ship you ask? A wise colleague once said, well last week maybe, that hopefully doing half days until the end of term might keep me sane. I explained that that ship has definitely sailed and most probably lost atContinue reading “122. That ship has sailed and is about to sink.”

Another shitty milestone ticked off this week, trying to explain my whole life in less than 5 minutes to a complete stranger over the phone in a bid to get some more help for me personally and at work, where I currently feel so out of place that it’s gone from being my happy placeContinue reading “120. When a phone call leaves you in pain”

There’s a stranger looking back at me when I look into the mirror. It’s not someone I recognise anymore. Not only do I not know the face but the body isn’t one that I want to see either. Where has the old me gone?

I can’t even contemplate how I’m supposed to start repairing the deep canyon of a crack inside of me. All I know is that I need to work out how before I fall any deeper. Another layer of paint has been brushed over the despairingly deep crack this week by yet another drug. A solutionContinue reading “112. How do I even try to fix the crack when it’s buried so deep.”

I think it’s obvious that I need to stop running but how can I stop. I know that I going to need help from those around me but I don’t know how to ask, what to ask for or how not to feeling like a burden. I know that when I finally stop, it’s goingContinue reading “111. I’m reaching out for the help to stop me running.”

What to do is quite possibly the best question at the moment. What to do? Put myself first that’s what I need to do. Period!

Today has been another tiring one. My body feels exhausted and my head and eyes feel so heavy. Spoke to doctors about the headaches and they said it’s normal but it feels far from normal. If anyone wants to remove the screwdriver from my forehead that would be lovely.

Still very tired……….

Long, heartfelt, sad and painful jumbled post ahead. 100 posts written so far, most of them password protected or hidden from everyone, the same way I hide myself from others. 100 posts written and I’m feeling no better because I’ve not really shared with anyone how I truly feel. 100 posts, some have scared me,Continue reading “100. 100 posts on and feeling worse.”