131. Will I ever be good enough?

Another week done and it’s not even 6pm as I write this and I’d love nothing more than to go to bed already. Put the week behind me properly.

This week was full of a few ups and many downs. Therapy was full on and left me feeling emotionally broken this week. I have so many thoughts and feelings whirling around my head at the moment but especially after each Wednesday session. She can’t decide which part of my issues she has time to treat in the short time I have with her. I’ve been tested for PTSD again and apparently I disassociate too much to have the best treatment available and we can’t pinpoint when the first traumatic experience happened although we have managed to work out it’s definitely an abandonment/attachment thing.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like such a burden to those around me, I’m keeping almost everything in now, the walls have had another layer of bricks added. My fear of abandonment has never felt so high. My mask is rarely taken off at present.

The hardest part at the moment is that I just can’t shake this feeling of never being good enough. I don’t think there’s any part of my life where I feel good enough for those around me be it work, home, family or friends.