112. How do I even try to fix the crack when it’s buried so deep.

I can’t even contemplate how I’m supposed to start repairing the deep canyon of a crack inside of me. All I know is that I need to work out how before I fall any deeper. Another layer of paint has been brushed over the despairingly deep crack this week by yet another drug. A solution feels further from being found with each new layer of paint.

I just don’t feel I can keep my head above water long enough to feel like I’m making any progress in getting/feeling better. I have a week off work and I feel better for a bit then within hours of being back I feel just the same as before. I’m not blaming work, it’s much deeper than that, it’s something that I can’t explain. I’m literally hanging on by a thread, that and my badly chewed nails.

I’m trying so hard but I’m exhausted, actually I’m totally exhausted. Totally emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what to do for the best. Im trying to keep my bravest, strongest face on, to make myself better but it’s just not lasting long enough.

I think it’s come to the point where I’m admitting I need proper help. Whether that’s from you as a friend of some more professional help but I can’t carry on with this rollercoaster of an existence because that’s what I’m doing, I’m not living, I’m purely existing.

So what can you do to help? if I knew that I would have asked you already but I all I do know is that I need you all more than ever just to get me through the next few weeks. I just need to get past this tough part so I can take the biggest step of rebuilding from rock bottom. I’m going to find a new therapist as soon as I can, to get the professional help, I’m just asking you to be there for me personally please.

I need to start processing everything I’ve been through and start mourning/dealing with each massive loss in my life.

Emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the end of the light at the end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.

Emily & Amelia Nagoski – Authors of Burnout.

I’ve just listened to the most amazing book on burnout which used the above analogy of each emotion/trauma as a tunnel, there’s a beginning, when the event happened, the tunnel in which you travel to heal and recover. I’m currently re-listening to it again now, this time with the hard copy of the book now (Wednesday 25th pm) I could cry already at how true it is and I’ve only done the introduction so far.

The tunnel can take time to travel through properly but when the end is reached, finally the light at the end where everything is ok again is achieved , it’s like everything is going to be ok. My problem is that my life is just one bloody long tunnel now and I’m truly stuck hard in the sinking heavy mud in the middle. I can’t seem to escape the mud and get to the end.

All I’m asking is to know you’re there for me, to hold my hand (obviously not physically at the moment) and stand by my side through it all. To hold the box of tissues that I can use to wipe away my many tears. I’m not expecting you to have any answers. I’m not expecting you to tell me what I need to do. I just want to know you’re by my side when I need you. Which I definitely will.

111. I’m reaching out for the help to stop me running.

I think it’s obvious that I need to stop running but how can I stop.

I know that I going to need help from those around me but I don’t know how to ask, what to ask for or how not to feeling like a burden.

I know that when I finally stop, it’s going to hurt like hell and I’m worried that when I fall, there won’t be anyone around to catch me.

How do I move forwards from where I am stuck and let what ever is coming hit me so I can recover fully.

110. Exhausted is an understatement. Completely burntout is more apt.

I don’t know how I’m still standing. I’m completely exhausted at the moment. I’m literally hanging by a thread.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t know whether to completely collapse or to keep on running. I am done.

Trust me when I say I long to choose the complete collapse option but all my body wants to do is run. How do I stop?

I read a book last week called burnout and it resonated with me so much that it scared me. I’m going to read it again this week and complete the exercises that go along with it. Maybe it will help, but it won’t hurt to try.

109. In the end it just all boils down to trust.

My trust is not something I hand out lightly. Trust is something that I think is the foundation of any relationship but is so easily lost.

Trust for me in another person all boils down to attachment issues and my fear of losing even more people who I love in my life.

Trusting anyone enough to let them inside my walls is such a massive thing to me and that is why so very few people are allowed inside, to get the smallest glimpse of who I really am.

You are here because I trust you enough to read what I’ve written in this blog. I thought I could trust you all enough to be honest with me, when I needed it. I hoped that I could trust you with what I’ve said to you in the past.

At the moment I’m in some much emotional pain that I don’t know what to do for the best.

My question at the moment though is, can I continue to trust you to be with me going forward. To be there if I need you to be.

105. One year on.

One year ago today, I wrote my first post, it took me 3 months to write the 2nd. I have written things that I would never have the courage to say in person, but I’ve kept so much hidden still. I have written about thoughts, feelings and emotions that I’ve felt, but I have so more to say.

I would like to say that this year has been great and that I feel better but in truth I feel loads worse. 2020 has been a tough year for all, yet for those who were already suffering from any MH issue, this year made everything 100 times worse.

I hit a point last week where I knew I had to put myself first for the first time in a very long time. I felt completely exhausted and emotionally burnt out. It was making me physically ill, my body ached, my head was so heavy and on occasions, just opening my eyes hurt. I knew that I couldn’t carry on feeling like this. I knew I had to hit the stop button. It’s time for me to put my happiness and health above everything else, because it was killing me feeling like I did.

I would like to thank those few individuals that have taken their time to make sure I’m ok, the texts, the phone calls, the many walks, especially the muddy ones and just knowing I have people around me, even though I feel lonelier that ever. Hopefully onwards and upwards at some point anyway.

100. 100 posts on and feeling worse.

Long, heartfelt, sad and painful jumbled post ahead.

100 posts written so far, most of them password protected or hidden from everyone, the same way I hide myself from others. 100 posts written and I’m feeling no better because I’ve not really shared with anyone how I truly feel. 100 posts, some have scared me, many have made me cry but almost all make me feel totally alone. 100 posts and I’m still feeling as broken and lonely as I was at the start of the year. 100 posts written and I’m actually feeling more depressed than I was before I started. 100 posts done and I’m still running.

When I started this blog last year. I hoped that I would get some kind of help or relief from it but alas no. Talking and writing doesn’t always help, mainly because no one is really listening or reading these posts, even when they subscribe or I ask them to. Or is it because I’m not sharing with the right people.

I just wish that I didn’t feel like this, I wish I had someone who I could truly trust without me feeling like a burden to them. I wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time. I don’t think I can ever write down or tell anyone how I am really feeling at the moment. I don’t trust anyone, no one is getting inside the deepest part of me. I’ll carry on hiding it and living this fake happy life forever at this rate. I also don’t trust anyone not to leave me when the going gets really tough. I don’t trust anyone to truly be there for me when I really need them. Everyone is kept at arms length to protect my fragile heart and mind.

I think Friday was a pivotal moment of realisation for me. Everyone falls for the mask and no one truly sees through it. I need to make some changes to my life. I need to start thinking about myself more and not about pleasing others. I need to stop people pleasing and be the selfish person that everyone is to me.

I need something that I know is currently missing but how do I find it when I don’t know what it is.

I’m fed up of feeling alone. I’m fed up of feeling like I do. I’m fed up of fighting my battles with no one on my side. I’m fed up of disturbing people and wasting my time on the wrong people. I’m fed up with feeling like I don’t belong. I’m fed up of feeling like I’ll never be enough. I’m fed up of chasing and no one fighting for me to be in their life. I’m fed up feeling the pain inside my heart that I feel. I’m fed up of living behind the mask. I’ve lost the real me in all of this and I desperately deserve to find her again.

I need to find a way to heal from my past traumas, I have such a confused head that I don’t know which way is up most of the time. I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know how to begin and I don’t know what to begin with. My head feels such a jumbled mess of things.

One of my major issues is grief and me never processing any of it. For example, I have a photo of my parents on my notice board in my sewing room and I often look at the photo but I feel nothing, I don’t feel like they are my parents looking back at me, I don’t want to say they feel like strangers but I can’t connect with the people in the photo. How am I supposed to move forward if I can’t feel anything. How did my head get this messed up and where did it all go so wrong.

My head is such a cloudy, painful, lonely and confused mess. I’m fed up of feeling like no one cares about me, I’m fed up living under this cloud of darkness.

I don’t have much more fight in me but fighting is all I can do and is what I will carry on doing.

99. Struggling, lonely and numb.

I’ve been struggling for what seems an eternity. However, struggling is so hard to explain to those around me but it’s a quick universal answer. At least it’s a step on from the “I’m fine” response.

Struggling is all of the below things but to me it’s mostly loneliness. Needing that one person to check on me but feeling like a burden for contacting them. Regretting every message I send as soon as I’ve hit send. Thinking that no one wants to waste their time on me, that no one cares.

Why is my head so fucked up, why can’t I escape the thoughts whirling around inside my head and the jumble of feelings inside my heart.

I’m constantly exhausted by just daily living but especially the daily living of the fake life that I lead.

At least the drugs are working and the numbness has returned.

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