145. I really shouldn’t write at night.

Last night I did one of those ‘blogging while not really conscious’ things again. Re-reading it this morning, I was just grateful that I did post it too. The post was called, I don’t think I’ll ever truly let anyone in ever again.

It was about 11pm, I’d just gone to bed, I had put on a hypnotherapy track called ‘fear of abandonment.’ I often listen to this one at night as it’s supposed to make me feel less lonely and helps me fall asleep.

When about 3 minutes into the track, I felt the overwhelming need to write down the title of a blog, as above, in the notes of the phone. I’m not sure how much longer but I found myself suddenly writing a blog post on that topic. It was dark, really dark. I don’t know what was going on in my head but maybe I just needed to get it all out. To be honest, a lot of what I wrote last night was totally true, however actually letting anyone else know that’s how I truly felt would not be the best thing. See maybe what the title meant is how I really feel about everything. I honestly don’t know if I will ever let anyone totally in ever again. That’s quite a sad thought for me to have but I feel like I’m back feeling like I did last year. Not wanting to reach out for help for the fear of disturbing anyone, keeping everything in again, feeling extremely lonely and locking up my defenses. Let’s not mention the mask, I don’t think it’ll ever come off again.

I’m not going to lie, the last few weeks/month have been getting tougher again. I made it through what can only be described as ‘the worst year of my working life’ felt totally abandoned and unsupported by those you should/could have helped. The damage of feeling like this left me at my heaviest weight I’ve ever been, reliant on a cocktail of drugs to get me through each day, a fear of never knowing what each day would bring and an overwhelming feeling of not belonging in a place and job that I love.

Anyway, I need to get up and tackle some of the mess down stairs in a vain attempt to make the house not look like the shit show it is. Let’s just leave the feelings and unhappiness where they normally are and not deal with them.