It’s absolutely exhausting suffering from depression. Fighting against the overwhelming sadness that I have is exhausting. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I want to get better and that involves not being strong all the time. I’m just tired of feeling tired.
Depression makes my mind overthink ALL the time so it is exhausting just trying to come across as “normal” or “fine” to others and is exhausting fighting the constant thoughts inside me. I’m exhausted from trying to be strong so I do feel like I can ask for help. I’m trying harder than ever to keep it all hidden from those around me. My fears of abandonment so strong that I can’t let anyone near me long enough for them to see the person behind the smile.
I don’t know how to stop the pain but I’m trying to find the answer. I’m back at therapy (again) and it’s tough going and we are only 2 weeks in. I just want to cry but the meds are making me so numb that I don’t have any emotions anymore. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to let my emotions out.
Today I had to sit and try and do a timeline of my life and the major events. Apart from the couple of major incidents in my early childhood, my life was pretty uneventful up to my mid/late twenties. Then a few things here and there happened and then all of a sudden like a bolt out of the blue, I was a single mum with a 1 year old, no job, trying to keep us both alive, cared for and fed whilst battling the worse heartbreak ever alone. Just trying to work out dates today to add to the timeline just heartbreaking, so much loss and grief all in such a relatively short time. My whole world was turned upside down on multiple occasions, one after the other and then I had to score each event out of 10 and try to explain how each one made me feel. The last few years have felt like in drowning and each time I try and stand up and steady myself I’m knocked down by another large wave and I’m struggling to breathe yet again. Longing for someone to help me find my feet again.
I’ve sat tonight and thought about this task ad I can’t explain how sad and broken it left me feeling. I can’t even feel anything any more apart from numbness.
Just me and my lonely mind.co.uk 