Depression — one of the darkest places I have ever been in. It is hard to describe how it feels, but one way is that it feels like a dark cloud comes to settle over you. it often feels like a storm raging inside my head. The darkness is deep as I search for the light switch. It consumes everything – thoughts, feelings, motivation. It leaves you so fatigued that all you want to do is stay in bed. It’s not just one bad day, it’s constant and can last for weeks and sometimes months.
The main feeling often I find associated with depression is sadness. There is often such a deep sense of sadness, not over a particular event or happening, it just is there — it’s such an intense hurt that it’s often felt physically too.
One feeling which is often felt too, but not always spoken about, is the feeling of nothing. Neither happy nor sad, just a total numbness. For me personally, this is often worse than feeling down. To feel nothing can leave me feeling stuck and as if I’m are watching the world carry on. I don’t feel like myself but more like a robot going through the motions of life. A smile is never genuine anymore — just done out of politeness and even more painful is I can’t even cry anymore.
All the emotions I should be feeling, aren’t there and aren’t able to be expressed and for me, this is the most suffocating place to be in.
Being around people can make the problem worse as while I’ll be there physically, mentally I’m miles away. I can never understand how people can feel things so naturally when I’m struggling to make any kind of connection with anything or anyone around me. Frustration breeds here and that’s why isolation is sometimes easier. It’s easier to be by myself than to try and explain my feelings to those around me.
The worst thing about the numbness is I know it doesn’t last. At some point the emotions will come rushing back —usually like a huge wave and hit me all at once. If I feel sadness, it will be so deep that I want out. If I feel anxious, it’ll be so great that I snap at those around me just because I’m so overwhelmed with my mind.
Though numbness appears to be easier than feeling sad, it’s not. It’s frustrating and devastating.
I hate the person I become when the sadness hits and can see why you wouldn’t want to be around me too.
Just me and my lonely mind.co.uk 