112. How do I even try to fix the crack when it’s buried so deep.

I can’t even contemplate how I’m supposed to start repairing the deep canyon of a crack inside of me. All I know is that I need to work out how before I fall any deeper. Another layer of paint has been brushed over the despairingly deep crack this week by yet another drug. A solution feels further from being found with each new layer of paint.

I just don’t feel I can keep my head above water long enough to feel like I’m making any progress in getting/feeling better. I have a week off work and I feel better for a bit then within hours of being back I feel just the same as before. I’m not blaming work, it’s much deeper than that, it’s something that I can’t explain. I’m literally hanging on by a thread, that and my badly chewed nails.

I’m trying so hard but I’m exhausted, actually I’m totally exhausted. Totally emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what to do for the best. Im trying to keep my bravest, strongest face on, to make myself better but it’s just not lasting long enough.

I think it’s come to the point where I’m admitting I need proper help. Whether that’s from you as a friend of some more professional help but I can’t carry on with this rollercoaster of an existence because that’s what I’m doing, I’m not living, I’m purely existing.

So what can you do to help? if I knew that I would have asked you already but I all I do know is that I need you all more than ever just to get me through the next few weeks. I just need to get past this tough part so I can take the biggest step of rebuilding from rock bottom. I’m going to find a new therapist as soon as I can, to get the professional help, I’m just asking you to be there for me personally please.

I need to start processing everything I’ve been through and start mourning/dealing with each massive loss in my life.

Emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the end of the light at the end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.

Emily & Amelia Nagoski – Authors of Burnout.

I’ve just listened to the most amazing book on burnout which used the above analogy of each emotion/trauma as a tunnel, there’s a beginning, when the event happened, the tunnel in which you travel to heal and recover. I’m currently re-listening to it again now, this time with the hard copy of the book now (Wednesday 25th pm) I could cry already at how true it is and I’ve only done the introduction so far.

The tunnel can take time to travel through properly but when the end is reached, finally the light at the end where everything is ok again is achieved , it’s like everything is going to be ok. My problem is that my life is just one bloody long tunnel now and I’m truly stuck hard in the sinking heavy mud in the middle. I can’t seem to escape the mud and get to the end.

All I’m asking is to know you’re there for me, to hold my hand (obviously not physically at the moment) and stand by my side through it all. To hold the box of tissues that I can use to wipe away my many tears. I’m not expecting you to have any answers. I’m not expecting you to tell me what I need to do. I just want to know you’re by my side when I need you. Which I definitely will.