100. 100 posts on and feeling worse.

Long, heartfelt, sad and painful jumbled post ahead.

100 posts written so far, most of them password protected or hidden from everyone, the same way I hide myself from others. 100 posts written and I’m feeling no better because I’ve not really shared with anyone how I truly feel. 100 posts, some have scared me, many have made me cry but almost all make me feel totally alone. 100 posts and I’m still feeling as broken and lonely as I was at the start of the year. 100 posts written and I’m actually feeling more depressed than I was before I started. 100 posts done and I’m still running.

When I started this blog last year. I hoped that I would get some kind of help or relief from it but alas no. Talking and writing doesn’t always help, mainly because no one is really listening or reading these posts, even when they subscribe or I ask them to. Or is it because I’m not sharing with the right people.

I just wish that I didn’t feel like this, I wish I had someone who I could truly trust without me feeling like a burden to them. I wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time. I don’t think I can ever write down or tell anyone how I am really feeling at the moment. I don’t trust anyone, no one is getting inside the deepest part of me. I’ll carry on hiding it and living this fake happy life forever at this rate. I also don’t trust anyone not to leave me when the going gets really tough. I don’t trust anyone to truly be there for me when I really need them. Everyone is kept at arms length to protect my fragile heart and mind.

I think Friday was a pivotal moment of realisation for me. Everyone falls for the mask and no one truly sees through it. I need to make some changes to my life. I need to start thinking about myself more and not about pleasing others. I need to stop people pleasing and be the selfish person that everyone is to me.

I need something that I know is currently missing but how do I find it when I don’t know what it is.

I’m fed up of feeling alone. I’m fed up of feeling like I do. I’m fed up of fighting my battles with no one on my side. I’m fed up of disturbing people and wasting my time on the wrong people. I’m fed up with feeling like I don’t belong. I’m fed up of feeling like I’ll never be enough. I’m fed up of chasing and no one fighting for me to be in their life. I’m fed up feeling the pain inside my heart that I feel. I’m fed up of living behind the mask. I’ve lost the real me in all of this and I desperately deserve to find her again.

I need to find a way to heal from my past traumas, I have such a confused head that I don’t know which way is up most of the time. I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know how to begin and I don’t know what to begin with. My head feels such a jumbled mess of things.

One of my major issues is grief and me never processing any of it. For example, I have a photo of my parents on my notice board in my sewing room and I often look at the photo but I feel nothing, I don’t feel like they are my parents looking back at me, I don’t want to say they feel like strangers but I can’t connect with the people in the photo. How am I supposed to move forward if I can’t feel anything. How did my head get this messed up and where did it all go so wrong.

My head is such a cloudy, painful, lonely and confused mess. I’m fed up of feeling like no one cares about me, I’m fed up living under this cloud of darkness.

I don’t have much more fight in me but fighting is all I can do and is what I will carry on doing.