84. I still look for his face.

This whole grief malarkey is a complicated thing isn’t it. So I know I’ve never dealt with the losses of either of my parents and I’ve now compartmentalised it so deeply that i don’t know how to contemplate grief anymore.

So even though it’s been 3 years since my dad passed away, I still fully expect to see him every time I go into town shopping, especially in Wilko’s and almost have to remind my self each time that I’m doing it. I look for his face everywhere I’ve ever bumped into him before. I often do a double take too of some people I see too.

Maybe that’s how much I would love to see him again, looking fit and healthy just the once more. To have all the conversations that we never got to have when he became ill. To hear him crack one of his jokes. For him to just help me with all the DIY I’m currently deep in.

I have no idea which of the 5 stages of grief I’m stuck in at the moment but stuck I most definitely am.